Post by Ubiquitous
What did you watch?
THE SAINT on The Netflix
Starring Faith the Vampire Slayer, Simom Templar, The Saint, and
Well, I can see why this didn't sell. It's a handsome production, with
appealing actors, but the writing is beyond stupid, as is much that
happens that may well have been beyond the writer's scope.
SPOILERS BEYOND HERE I guess
In this version The Saint's name really is Simon Templar, and he uses
his real name, never wears gloves (except the once that made me cringe)
and leaves his calling card with everybody he steals from. Despite
this, the authorities can't catch up with him, probably because he's
supernatural. Well, at least as much as CSI Horatio Caine was anyway.
Eliza Dushku runs him from ridiculous set-ups by remote control. They
don't even have a scene together until halfway through, and she doesn't
kick any butt Faith style 'til an hour has gone by, and then it's just
silly - she's a mere slip of a girl, she's not going to punch a guy that
masses more than twice what she does and send him flying through the
air, not unless she's supernatural too.
The plot is a ridiculously overly complex thing where The Saint (not the
Saint of this movie, but the actor who played the Saint in a TV version
nobody remembers) diverts $2.5b in funds marked for Nigerian relief, via
operative Dexter's Dad. Dexter's Dad rediverts it in order to get The
Saint (The Saint of this one's) attention hoping to get the new Saint to
stop the old Saint from killing him. Why would they kill him? Because
... he diverted the money. To get The Saint's attention. To keep The
Saint from killing him. Because he diverted the money.
The Old Saint kidnaps Dexter's Dad's daughter to force him to give the
money back (he couldn't see THAT coming?). There are several tedious
scenes with Dexter's Dad's young trophy wife that have no business being
in the show at all unless there's a big reveal coming where she's really
the one behind the kidnapping, even though we *saw* The Old Saint give
the order. I honestly never figured out how she fit in, and of course
then there's the really big reveal where it turns out The Old Saint is
being run by The Ancient Saint, Roger Moore. That comes after the
medium reveal where it turns out The Old Saint was The Young Saint's
Sensei and The Young Saint doesn't recognize him, despite what must have
been decades of training (even though The Young Saint never ages) to
impart upon him mystical powers, powers that The Old Saint seems to have
forgotten along the way.
A Batman origin is grafted onto this, which didn't help any.
MAGICAL TECH: There's a lot of magical tech in this, but the most
egregious example is when he needs a handprint to open a door, so he's
wearing an oversized clear glove with a couple of alligator clips
attached, and Eliza, from the car outside, decides at the last minute
whose prints she needs and sends the command that causes this glove to
shrink to fit (since it's a girl, it's still going to be the wrong size)
and adopt the prints (since it's clear, that's not going to work
either). Despite all this, Eliza's not smart enough to lock the doors
of the car she's sitting in, in a bad area.
MAGICAL POWERS: There's a really really lot of magical powers in this,
the most ridiculous of which is that he can teleport like Horatio Caine,
although Horatio uses it to make an entrance, and The Young Saint uses
it to get away. For instance, while standing in the center of a ring of
heavily armed FBI storm troopers, the lead FBI guy looks away and when
he looks back, Templar is gone, with none of the dozen or so agents
surrounding them having noticed. Nobody points 'he went thataway' And,
for God's sake, he's standing right over there! By a tree! In plain
sight! Watching you!!!!
Seriously, I think they intended that he stole a page from Kent Allard's
playbook, and can cloud men's minds.
There's also a weird bit that may be a symptom of a troubled production.
The first part of the movie, FBI Agent A is chasing him, and The Saint
has a beard. FBI Agent A gets grounded and FBI agent B takes over for
most of the movie, until about the third to last big climactic reveal,
where The Saint has his beard back and Agent A has taken the chase back
from Agent B again. And then in an incredibly awkward bit of
exposition, The Saint points to the pretty black FBI agent, saying
something like "you brought help" (ignoring the dozens of other agents)
and she gets to give a long speech, first introducing herself (staged as
though her name should mean something) and then there's a long rambling
speech about how they're going to hold The Old Saint forever under
terrorism statutes. NCIS Jethro does this with many fewer words. They
have to do this because The Old Saint is so incredibly well connected
that "with one phone call (he'll) never spend a day in jail!" They know
this because he just told them. Too bad it's not true, since in the
previous scene we saw The Ancient Saint disavow him from the giant
global conspiracy group.
Oh, and there's the flashback scene where the Sensei teaches The Child
Saint that the US bombing Hiroshima was no different that what the Nazis
did to the Jews in Poland. In case you thought the miserable
incompetent lying jackasses behind this mess left out the America
bashing. And guess who's now writing Star Trek Discovery STD?
(Checking) The pretty black FBI agentette that introduces herself's name
is "Dora Lee" Google comes up with nothing linking that name to The
Saint mythos beyond this movie.
There's stuff I liked. As I said, it's a handsome production. Eliza is
always appealing, and usually scantily dressed, although they could have
done a better job directing her, and not continually shot her in bright
sunlight that made her squint. I liked The Old Saint being the bad guy,
and it was nice to see Sir Roger Moore one last time. But boy howdy you
have to turn off your brain to get through this mess.
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